Friends: Friendship On the Rocks

The transition  from being a “Stop over anytime!” friend to a “So good to see you, it’s been too long” friend can be a hard one. Like any  break-up, one party  sees the writing on the wall while the other still wishes it could go back to the way it used to be. One wants to give it another try while the other has it already wrapped it up. I once read a magazine article about when and how to end a friendship. It’s focus:  When it doesn’t seem to be working anymore what is the kindest way to extradite yourself?  

Knowing that when a relationship is no longer a good fit sometimes the best thing to do is end it, does not make it easy to accept, especially  as  the friend who is no longer needed.  It’s difficult to find any zen in the situation but there are ways to make it easier.  Chances are this spilt has been a long time coming and contact has already been minimalized. With this said, it shouldn’t be too hard to find other things to do because you’ve probably already gone that route.  It’s a good time to keep yourself occupied - get a job, take up a hobby, volunteer, join a club, paint a room. Get things done.

               Remember this parting is much like a spilt with a boyfriend. You don’t want to find yourself waiting for a call or text. You want to keep busy.  But, you’re not just filling up your time. You’re also opening yourself up to meeting new people. You’re taking the opportunity to try something new, something that interests you.  There will be other friends in your life, friends that will remain  loyal through thick and thin, who  want you to be a part of their lives. After all those are the people you really want in your life; a friend that will join you for an occasional cocktail, straight up or on the rocks and this realization may be where to find the zen and some closure.

Children: A Parent’s Job

Here’s what I know about raising kids.  You had better expect them to make mistakes because they will and that’s when parents really have to step up to the plate.  Remember teaching them to brush their teeth.   At first they ate the toothpaste, eventually they learned the up & down motion and finally they figured it out.  Twice a day every day.  It wasn’t an overnight success. Nothing is with parenting.  Remember potty training, eating with utensils, and looking before you cross the street. You never thought they’d get it but with practice, reminders and many mistakes they did. As a parent, if you expect instant results you’re setting yourself up for frustration.  These lessons take years to teach and learn.

When adolescence approaches most parents are feeling pretty good.  By the time our children head into this phase of their lives the easy lessons of proper hygiene, treating others with kindness and taking responsibility have begun to sink in.  But the easy part is over.  At home your once delightful daughter may be surly and eye rolling.  Your once exuberant son may respond with only grunts and silence.  You won’t necessarily witness the evidence that your son or daughter was paying any attention to all those years of instruction.  The instances of holding the door for a teacher, or helping clear the dinner table when over at a friend’s house often won’t happen when you’re around.   You might not see the fruit of your labors at all. In fact, those early lessons were just a start. They become the foundation for the real challenges of preparing them for adulthood.

More often the decisions facing teens are those that involve friends, technology, drugs and sex, and, again, they are going to make mistakes.   This is why these are the years when our children really need us. These are the years when the mistakes are many and the consequences can be life changing. The stakes are higher. The slip-ups made in these years and how you, as a parent handle them, shape these young, enthusiastic, reckless, exasperating, charming individuals into adults. We, as parents, need to be even more patient, creative, and present than we were in those early years.  And as hard as it may be, we as parents need to Find the Zen of allowing them to have some lapses in judgment.  We need to remember that years ago when our daughters and sons were taking their first steps they learned how to pick themselves up only after they had fallen.  Our job was to be there to guide them when and if they needed us.  In fact, it seems that our job as parents doesn’t change that much after all.

Self: You Have to Get Up Early to Get a Little Time for Yourself

I used to live alone and I loved it.  Never lonely, I enjoyed the hours of peace and quiet and the complete freedom to do what wanted when I wanted. Luckily, when I got married, my husband also appreciated having some time to himself so neither of us took offense when we wanted ( or needed) to be alone.  Then, we had children. And I have not been truly alone since.  It was quite a transition when even going to the bathroom became a family affair.  Luckily, I am an early bird and have found the Zen of getting up early.

Often, I wake up just before my alarm is about to go off.  The house is sleeping.  Only the dog, as if by some sixth sense, realizes that I have opened my eyes. I lay in bed for just a minute because I don’t want to waste a moment of this opportunity. With the coffee brewing, I quickly take care of my must do’s; walk the dog, throw in a load of laundry, feed the animals. I want to maximize my “me” time. After a half hour of exercise, I am finally able to do what I want to do. 

All is still and quiet. There is no T.V., no radio, only silence. I can think. I can plan. I can daydream. Some days I read the paper, some days I write, other days I get into my office to do a little work.  The point is I get to do whatever I want to do.  My husband isn’t asking where his clean socks are, my girls aren’t telling me they are hungry. For a few precious minutes I am alone and I try to relish every second.  It is my time to reconnect with who I am and recharge myself for the day ahead.  This little bit of freedom puts a smile on my face and a positive spin on the day. When I hear footsteps on the stairs and reach out for a morning hug and kiss, I’m ready to get everyone else up and ready for a great day.

Children: Navigating the “Girl World”*

I remember the first time one of my children experienced a snub from her “best friend”.  The two of them were playing in the yard when another neighborhood girl joined them at the swing set.  My daughter reached for one of the two swings when her “BFF” grabbed it and passed to the new girl.  In a second my little girl went from being secure in her BFF status to feeling betrayed and isolated. It was painful to watch. She stood there just a short distance from the other two girls, no longer a part of the fun. That is how I remember it. Talking about it with my daughter now, ten years later, she doesn’t even recall the incident. The memory however is etched into my brain. It was my first experience when I couldn’t make it better. 

Since then there have been many of other instances of friendship betrayals and crises in my three daughters’ lives. And given that my youngest is still in elementary school I have many more to navigate. Coming to terms with the fact that I cannot mend the friendships (sometimes I’m happy not to) or fix the problem is a continual challenge and it doesn’t get easier. Finding the Zen of “Girl World” friendships is the most zen I have had to be because I’ve realized that it’s best to do nothing.  

That doesn’t mean I’m totally powerless. While I'm not trying to be my child’s friend this is one instance where I try to act like one.  What would a true friend do?  First of all, friends remind you of your strengths.  So I begin my mission to be the “broken record” reminding my wounded bird of all the things she is good at; tangible instances of her self-worth, repeating the message that it’s what you do and are capable of that defines who you are. Next, friends distract you. So, I take this opportunity to spend some time together. We watch movies, read books, start projects, take road trips and even, do chores. Keeping her busy gets her mind off her troubles and I get a little help around the house. Lastly, friends give you a little space. So sometimes I just leave her alone. Having a little privacy for tears and reflection isn’t a bad thing. I’ve found that bit of solitude can go a long way in building self-awareness, resiliency, and even confidence. Through all this my goal is to take her out of the “Girl World” and into the real world. 

Still, every once in a while the sadness creeps in and I find myself wishing that I could wave my wand and make her smile again. But I remind myself that this is an opportunity. The heartache will make her stronger, more resourceful and finally, a better person and friend. Time will heal her wounds, things will come around and I will again be a bystander hoping my child will never have to experience this pain again but knowing next time she will be better prepared to make it through.

* “Girl World” is a term coined by Rosalind Wiseman in her book, Queen Bees and Wannabes: Helping Your Daughter Survive Cliques, Gossip, Boyfriends, and the New Realities of Girl World.

Children: The Upside of the Thankless Job of Parenting

My husband and I took our eldest daughter to NYC  for her 16^th birthday.  She was allowed to bring three friends and, as long as we kept footing the bill, we were allowed to tag along. The celebratory dinner was at an upscale Chinese restaurant and fortune cookies were passed around at the end of the meal.  With a smile, her dad passed his fortune over to me - Nothing You Do for Your Children Is Ever Wasted. Obviously, somebody had a sense of humor. I posted it on our frig when we got home and now whenever I need to Find the Zen of the Thankless Job of Parenting I reread it a few times. It helps me reenergize for my parental obligations.

It is reassuring that the endless games and practices, the hours of driving here and there, and the sleepless worry-filled nights are all not for naught. After all, in the end, one of my life’s greatest accomplishments will probably be raising three beautiful daughters. But all the sacrificing, juggling, and doing without can get old.  My last “new” bathing suit was my mother’s hand-me-down.

Of course, I am happy to broaden my children’s world and experiences. But, for too long parenting was woefully excluded in my quest for balance in life. Pangs of guilt would surface when I refused to taxi everyone to the movies or denied a request for a must have item.  That’s not to say that I was incapable of saying no.  When I did, it seemed my girls got over it pretty easily and were on their way to learning the important life lesson that you can’t always get what you want. Even better, my refusal to embrace the martyrdom of parenthood led me to discover that I can get what I need.

I know I’m supposed to be garnering a lifetime of satisfaction watching my children grow but I need more.  Once I started looking for a balance between duties and desires I found the upside to the thankless job of parenting.  I can write at the library during soccer practice. I can get in a few laps around the field during that hour before the game starts. I can chat with friends during dance classes.  On our trip to the Big Apple, my daughter and her friends got a little taste of independence during an afternoon in Times Square and my husband and I felt pretty grownup having a drink at the hotel bar while waiting for the shoppers to return. Definitely, an upside.

Career: The Endless Job Hunt

I always say to my girls, “Do you want to be a Girl of Action or a Girl of Reaction?” and I can’t help but think that it is time I took my own advice.  My year-long search for a teaching job has yielded leads, interviews, and even movement to the “next level” but I have yet to seal the deal. A teaching job is the golden ring that is just out of my reach.

Rationally, I know that one day I will get a job and that this painful period of frustration will be a fading memory.  I may even, at some future date blog about it -  What to Do While You Wait for Your Real Job to Come Along.  I’m sure my tips will include keep busy, keep looking, and don’t give up.

My trouble is that even though I know what to do it’s difficult to Find the Zen of the Endless Job Hunt. Lately, the only advice I’m embracing is – Keep Treading Water and Don’t Let the Waves of Insecurity Leave Me Awash in a Sea of Despondency.  Or more to the point and much less dramatic - Don’t Drown in Self-pity.  After all, all that gets you is pity – not a job.

Presently, each day starts with the same routine, Check (emails), Search (new leads), Apply  (job openings). What follows should be a virtual tornado of checks on the To Do list. However, the problem is that what really happens next is repeated trips to my laptop.  I am stuck on the Check! Check! Check! of my job hunting routine.  I wonder, has anyone contacted me for an interview, a lead, or, please, please, please, a job offer!  Pathetic. I know and I am ready to move on.

It’s time I asked myself, “Do I want to be a Girl of Action or a Girl of Reaction?”  Well, action, of course! And step one is to exude that confidence that I am not quite feeling.  I start by reminding myself that one day I’m going to be crazy busy in my new job and I’ll think back with longing to those lazy job hunting days. It’s time.  Time to get things done.

So I vow to take advantage of the time I have and start ticking off my To Dos.  I’ll be so busy being a Girl of Action that I’ll only have time to check my email two, three, okay, maximum four times a day.                I promise.

Self: I Can Do Anything Better

Admittedly, I‘ve always been a pushover for a “How to Do Anything Better” Guide.  Self-help publishers have made a lot money off of my weakness. It’s hard to walk away from these tomes of promise, because for me, there’s always been room for improvement; self-improvement, home improvement. It’s been like a quest for me, always looking for something I can make better. I got to wondering if I had some deep-seated psychological reason for this fixation and came to the realization that I am not a self-improvement junkie, I just like a good project.

Instead of thinking of this hobby of mine as a weakness, I began to consider that it is what makes me me.  In this zone of acceptance I came to realize that I love the planning and the preparation that goes into my many undertakings. I’m proud of my successes and comfortable with the half-finished Christmas Tree skirt and dusty exercise equipment hidden in the basement. I can easily accept that I am not a perfectionist. In fact, I like things a little messy and mixed up, punctuated by moments of brilliance; like when the sewing machine is put away and the curtains are up or when I’ve said just the right thing to my angst-ridden teen. These moments keep me hopeful and that is who I am.

I know I could lose a few pounds but I’m in good company.  My house has a few hidden clutter piles but it doesn’t look too bad. And my husband and kids can easily alternate between gifts from above to incredible pains in the . . . uhmmm… neck. It is this ebb and flow of contentment that makes my life an interesting place to be. Ever hopeful that my next endeavor will give me that instant of when things are just right.