Self: You Have to Get Up Early to Get a Little Time for Yourself

I used to live alone and I loved it.  Never lonely, I enjoyed the hours of peace and quiet and the complete freedom to do what wanted when I wanted. Luckily, when I got married, my husband also appreciated having some time to himself so neither of us took offense when we wanted ( or needed) to be alone.  Then, we had children. And I have not been truly alone since.  It was quite a transition when even going to the bathroom became a family affair.  Luckily, I am an early bird and have found the Zen of getting up early.

Often, I wake up just before my alarm is about to go off.  The house is sleeping.  Only the dog, as if by some sixth sense, realizes that I have opened my eyes. I lay in bed for just a minute because I don’t want to waste a moment of this opportunity. With the coffee brewing, I quickly take care of my must do’s; walk the dog, throw in a load of laundry, feed the animals. I want to maximize my “me” time. After a half hour of exercise, I am finally able to do what I want to do. 

All is still and quiet. There is no T.V., no radio, only silence. I can think. I can plan. I can daydream. Some days I read the paper, some days I write, other days I get into my office to do a little work.  The point is I get to do whatever I want to do.  My husband isn’t asking where his clean socks are, my girls aren’t telling me they are hungry. For a few precious minutes I am alone and I try to relish every second.  It is my time to reconnect with who I am and recharge myself for the day ahead.  This little bit of freedom puts a smile on my face and a positive spin on the day. When I hear footsteps on the stairs and reach out for a morning hug and kiss, I’m ready to get everyone else up and ready for a great day.

Children: Navigating the “Girl World”*

I remember the first time one of my children experienced a snub from her “best friend”.  The two of them were playing in the yard when another neighborhood girl joined them at the swing set.  My daughter reached for one of the two swings when her “BFF” grabbed it and passed to the new girl.  In a second my little girl went from being secure in her BFF status to feeling betrayed and isolated. It was painful to watch. She stood there just a short distance from the other two girls, no longer a part of the fun. That is how I remember it. Talking about it with my daughter now, ten years later, she doesn’t even recall the incident. The memory however is etched into my brain. It was my first experience when I couldn’t make it better. 

Since then there have been many of other instances of friendship betrayals and crises in my three daughters’ lives. And given that my youngest is still in elementary school I have many more to navigate. Coming to terms with the fact that I cannot mend the friendships (sometimes I’m happy not to) or fix the problem is a continual challenge and it doesn’t get easier. Finding the Zen of “Girl World” friendships is the most zen I have had to be because I’ve realized that it’s best to do nothing.  

That doesn’t mean I’m totally powerless. While I'm not trying to be my child’s friend this is one instance where I try to act like one.  What would a true friend do?  First of all, friends remind you of your strengths.  So I begin my mission to be the “broken record” reminding my wounded bird of all the things she is good at; tangible instances of her self-worth, repeating the message that it’s what you do and are capable of that defines who you are. Next, friends distract you. So, I take this opportunity to spend some time together. We watch movies, read books, start projects, take road trips and even, do chores. Keeping her busy gets her mind off her troubles and I get a little help around the house. Lastly, friends give you a little space. So sometimes I just leave her alone. Having a little privacy for tears and reflection isn’t a bad thing. I’ve found that bit of solitude can go a long way in building self-awareness, resiliency, and even confidence. Through all this my goal is to take her out of the “Girl World” and into the real world. 

Still, every once in a while the sadness creeps in and I find myself wishing that I could wave my wand and make her smile again. But I remind myself that this is an opportunity. The heartache will make her stronger, more resourceful and finally, a better person and friend. Time will heal her wounds, things will come around and I will again be a bystander hoping my child will never have to experience this pain again but knowing next time she will be better prepared to make it through.

* “Girl World” is a term coined by Rosalind Wiseman in her book, Queen Bees and Wannabes: Helping Your Daughter Survive Cliques, Gossip, Boyfriends, and the New Realities of Girl World.