I remember the first time one of my children experienced a snub from her “best friend”. The two of them were playing in the yard when another neighborhood girl joined them at the swing set. My daughter reached for one of the two swings when her “BFF” grabbed it and passed to the new girl. In a second my little girl went from being secure in her BFF status to feeling betrayed and isolated. It was painful to watch. She stood there just a short distance from the other two girls, no longer a part of the fun. That is how I remember it. Talking about it with my daughter now, ten years later, she doesn’t even recall the incident. The memory however is etched into my brain. It was my first experience when I couldn’t make it better.
Since then there have been many of other instances of friendship betrayals and crises in my three daughters’ lives. And given that my youngest is still in elementary school I have many more to navigate. Coming to terms with the fact that I cannot mend the friendships (sometimes I’m happy not to) or fix the problem is a continual challenge and it doesn’t get easier. Finding the Zen of “Girl World” friendships is the most zen I have had to be because I’ve realized that it’s best to do nothing.
That doesn’t mean I’m totally powerless. While I'm not trying to be my child’s friend this is one instance where I try to act like one. What would a true friend do? First of all, friends remind you of your strengths. So I begin my mission to be the “broken record” reminding my wounded bird of all the things she is good at; tangible instances of her self-worth, repeating the message that it’s what you do and are capable of that defines who you are. Next, friends distract you. So, I take this opportunity to spend some time together. We watch movies, read books, start projects, take road trips and even, do chores. Keeping her busy gets her mind off her troubles and I get a little help around the house. Lastly, friends give you a little space. So sometimes I just leave her alone. Having a little privacy for tears and reflection isn’t a bad thing. I’ve found that bit of solitude can go a long way in building self-awareness, resiliency, and even confidence. Through all this my goal is to take her out of the “Girl World” and into the real world.
Still, every once in a while the sadness creeps in and I find myself wishing that I could wave my wand and make her smile again. But I remind myself that this is an opportunity. The heartache will make her stronger, more resourceful and finally, a better person and friend. Time will heal her wounds, things will come around and I will again be a bystander hoping my child will never have to experience this pain again but knowing next time she will be better prepared to make it through.
* “Girl World” is a term coined by Rosalind Wiseman in her book, Queen Bees and Wannabes: Helping Your Daughter Survive Cliques, Gossip, Boyfriends, and the New Realities of Girl World.
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